Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
What the hell happened in there??
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Oh. My. God.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.