If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy