Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream

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Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.


I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.


If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.


When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.


The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue


Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs


Me: ok reese’s eggs


How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.


[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*