@ibid78

Lemme get this straight: you take my tonsils, I get free ice cream
[dr] yup
what other parts of me will you take in exchange for ice cream

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@tylerschmall

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

@carlielyn

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

@CanadianCyn

If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

@Maxine12333

When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.

@dumbbeezie

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

@CaucasianJames

Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast

Me: eggs

Doctor:

Me: ok reese’s eggs

@RightHandVAN

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

@iamspacegirl

[mouse plane]

mouse pilot: hello folks, this is your captain squeaking-

*mouse passengers squeal with delight*