Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
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Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Art by Pastelkatto
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
hackers play passwordle
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.