CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.