Lemons are ok but in some other dimension when life hands us tambourines we make dragon nests and it’s kind of hard not to be bitter about that

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CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second


Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.


I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.


Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?


Remember ladies: when a guy says “I’m listening” what he means is “I bet if Godzilla had machine guns for arms he’d of been unstoppable”.


Press 1 for English. Press 2 for spanish. Press 1 and 2 at the same time for the latest Pitbull song


My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that


Every episode of my life starts with a short recap and the voice over says “Previously on wasted potential…”


I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.