Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?
My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Murderer: [points a gun at me]
Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!
Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!
If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.