@DanMentos

Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans

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@BoogTweets

Me: table for two

Hostess: did you have reservations

Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now

@ramblinma

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

@TheGladStork

Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.

@VibesBummer

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

@AbbieEvansXO

Murderer: [points a gun at me]

Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome

@3_livi

I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.

They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.

@Smooheed

My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it

@TheAlexNevil

Me: Aww, look at that little puppy on tv. Isn’t he the cutest?!

Dog: The hell, Man?? Right here!

@thatUPSdude

If you’re buying your pregnancy test at the dollar store it’s probably because he bought is his condoms there too.

@putyoursisterd1

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.