Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
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Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
All set.
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.