is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.