LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I want to meet the individual who made this
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.