I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
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wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it
me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
The only way to make conservatives feel threatened by climate change is to convince them the climate is gay.
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Today is the day I release the coyote I trained on Windows 95 back into the wild.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy