Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
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[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Every night when you sleep,I sneak into your house, full of desire.
I then reduce the amount of marshmallowy treats in your cereal&go home.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.