I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
San Francisco has too many rules
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.