Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
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I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent