Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
You Might Also Like
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Smooooooth
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.