leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

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Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.


wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you

Dr Frankenstein: he has a name

wife: DOES HE


Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.


The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.


Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.


[god creating worms]

WORM: Alright I’m a snake!

GOD: Well, no you—

WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?

GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy


“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months


[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature


My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.

I guess she doesn’t remember me.