@KeetPotato

leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles

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@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@DanDoofus

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

@CollegeDotLife

College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec

@PinkCamoTO

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

@Parkerlawyer

Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”

Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”

@Junkyardigan

What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

*drops mic*

*deletes account*

@ClaytonSykes

Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?