I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
You Might Also Like
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
ME: wow your correct
ME: -ions are presumptuous
College is forcing yourself to eat food before it goes bad because you spent $4.99 on blueberries when you were into health for a hot sec
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?
Judge: Your client says he’s mentally fit to stand trial correct?Lawyer: Yes, your honor.Judge: Then can you tell him to get out of my seat?