Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
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wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
The good news is, I blocked the creepy guy. The bad news is, I’m tweeting this from inside his trunk.
Distant galaxies are speeding away from the Milky Way at an ever-accelerating velocity just to get the hell away from you.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
“How often do you floss?”
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.