Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
BETRAYAL
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.