Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
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Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)