Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
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You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.