Lesbians should not be allowed to buy dildos, they made their choice!!

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Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?

Girl: Hehe sure baby

Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself


I misheard my elderly neighbour when she asked to borrow some tongs and now this fistful of underwear dangles awkwardly between us.


Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.


Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.


I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.


If I see you being rude to a waitress, I’ll spit in your food myself.


Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*

Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car


BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.

CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.