Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
#winning
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD