*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.