Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
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[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?