@CruisinSoozan

Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.

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@weinerdog4life

One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators

@caliluvgirl77

“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”

-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@I_Bl33d_Purple

I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.

@BradBroaddus

I don’t always eat breakfast in my underwear but when I do, I get escorted out of Waffle House.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i’m hardly going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@thenoahkinsey

When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.