Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
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[watching 13 Reasons Why]
WIFE: I can’t believe she had 13 reasons for wanting to die
ME: I know, crazy! Only 13
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.