Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
You Might Also Like
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Mhm.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting