Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
[date]
ME: ur jacket goes well with ur purse
HER: *sits down* see it’s not hard to be complimentary
ME: u mean complementary
HER: *gets up*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.