“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
I’m lazy, but not ‘The guy who named blackbirds’ lazy.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news