Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
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You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
[i get pulled over]
cop: have you been out drinking?
me: uh yeah, i’m 28, i’ve been out drinking literally hundreds of times
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
☺️
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
Yes my dude
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.