Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
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[montage of me giving-up]
Writing, She Murdered.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs: