@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

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@turtledumplin

Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?

It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.

@RunOldMan

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

@ToonieLane

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

@shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@ArfMeasures

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

@internetluke

GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?