Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
God: it’s like a game
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
date: so what are your hobbies?
me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
*throws flashlight at him