@turtledumplin
Why are so many people replying to my tweets with questions?
It’s a tweet, don’t worry there’s no pop quiz at the end.
@jwoodham
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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@turtledumplin
@RunOldMan
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
@totaIdadmoves
Just gonna leave this here.
@SSparklesDaily
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
@ToonieLane
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
@shariv67
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
@ArfMeasures
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
@internetluke
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
@jackiembouvier
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?