Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
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I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
sistine chapel
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now