Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

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Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL


Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”


I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.


God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game


Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”


date: so what are your hobbies?

me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight


me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back


*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*throws another
*throws another
*throws another
Burglar: WTF