@jwoodham

Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.

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@Mormonger

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

@UncleDuke1969

Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”

Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”

Me: “A divorce lawyer.”

@kimtopher22

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

@NoticablyBacon

God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game

@_SingleBabyMama

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”

@NOTVIKING

date: so what are your hobbies?

me: [remembering women like sensitive guys] i train rescue dogs [remembering they also like bad boys] to fight

@TweetPotato314

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

@GrantTanaka

*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO