@behindyourback

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

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@LlamaInaTux

Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead

Dolphin: *deep breath*

@KKAlThani

Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[Grand Canyon]

*His screams echo as he falls to his death*

OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?

@audipenny

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

@Spaziotwat

Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.

@Ygrene

Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!

Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*

@dubstep4dads

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

@blade_funner

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.