Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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Kim and Kanye are now planning to have their wedding in Egypt. See Egyptians, things could always be worse.
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
I like to avoid confusion by making it weird from the beginning.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.