Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
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cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
the best thing i’ve ever made