“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The hardest thing Vision has to do
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Never let them know your next move 😂
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Mornin
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*