@daviddeweil

“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.

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@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.

@sumpeoplelikeit

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

@Eric_Bader

I overheard someone say all Asians are ninjas. I would’ve told him how racist that sounded but he was black and I didn’t want to get mugged.

@mattytalks

I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in

@Zaufo

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

@IamEveryDayPpl

It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: I’m going to mall

Wife: For what?

Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop

Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?

Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.

@TheTweetOfGod

‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.

@Thedudish

I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.