“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
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You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
checking out some reviews of my local library
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind