I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
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*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
*moves heaven & earth for her*
*moves more left
*more left
*little right
*little more right
*moves heaven & earth back to original spot*
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
reasons white people riot:
1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
Ironic
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!