Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
good work, everybody
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.