” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.