@Xalqee
@omgthatspunny
Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.
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@omgthatspunny
@SlothSlouch
My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”
@Juicedballs
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
@AndyAsAdjective
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
@StewieTea2
My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.
Having to see him is gut-wrenching
@lafix
good work, everybody
@sixfootcandy
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
@BigPlanetEarth
Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.
@OhNoSheTwitnt
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
@biorhythmist
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.