@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

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@SICKOFWOLVES

I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

@brianbowman73

I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”

At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.

@jergarl

The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.

@behindyourback

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.

@junejuly12

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

@sarafcarter

People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

@HapInTheCap

Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.