I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
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If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.