@Xalqee
@SICKOFWOLVES
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
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@SICKOFWOLVES
@CArmanthegirl
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
@TheAlexNevil
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
@jordan_stratton
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
@brianbowman73
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
@jergarl
The overspray from my windshield washer fluid just totaled a smart car.
@behindyourback
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
@junejuly12
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
@sarafcarter
People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove
@HapInTheCap
Wizard of Oz is the ultimate chick flick. Two women trying to kill each other over shoes. Brilliant, really.