@Xalqee

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

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@omgthatspunny

Atheists don’t solve exponential equations because they don’t believe in higher powers.

@SlothSlouch

My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”

@Juicedballs

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

@AndyAsAdjective

KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?

ME: no you may not

[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?

@StewieTea2

My gastroenterologist used to be a plumber.

Having to see him is gut-wrenching

@sixfootcandy

[trick-or-treating]

Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!

Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.

@BigPlanetEarth

Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on people’s cars saying “sorry for the damage.” Film reactions. Profit.

@biorhythmist

“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.