@dril

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

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@ibid78

Angel: “I think we can all agree that 6 is enough.”
God (clearly upset about something else): “NO. GIVE SPIDERS 8 LEGS.”

@SteveSuckington

Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.

@crunchenhanced

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

@robdelaney

I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.

@joeldanger

Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.

@Meet_Joe_Cool

Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.

@ohthatbadger

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

@Darlainky

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?