My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
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I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.
When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…