@dril

let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,

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@AndLookPretty

My husband emptied the dishwasher this morning. What does he want from me?

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

@Stellar_AF

me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights

her: “that’s not true”

text from Beth: that’s not true

@AnnietheNanny1

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

@david8hughes

[aliens land]
Me: …
Alien: is that-are you eating laundry detergent

@Parkerlawyer

I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF

@EndhooS

11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA

@BillArrundale

I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.

@PopSlapFunk

When 13 witches collectively fart in a cauldron and quickly cover it with a lid…

*lowers shades*

…Dutch Coven.