Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
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There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
This story is comedy gold 😂
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.