Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

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At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.


“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.


snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this


My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.


my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it


People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.


but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time


Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.


No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema


– Are you upset?





– No.