@DancesWithTamis

Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?

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@NotThatKevin

At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.

@jokesforsmokes

“I have a bloody nose” – a British person emphasizing the fact that he has a nose.

@roob_drummer

snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this

@3sunzzz

My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.

@dlicj

my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it

@Swishergirl24

People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.

@seanforhire

but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

@RocketRankoon

No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema

@MissMalbec

– Are you upset?

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– No.