Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?


Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.


When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”


[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”


I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.


SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]


If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them


this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what