I just saw an 8 year old hipster.
Your move, apocalypse.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
taking care of yourself is punk rock
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what