@samdunsiger

Let me make something perfectly clear.

– Anyone who has washed a window

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@tdug

My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place

@WarrenHolstein

Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?

@flashember

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

@Mom_Overboard

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

@inanimatecorpse

The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”

@CaucasianJames

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

@OzKamal

I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations

@rockymomax

ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man

@ummcherish

FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die