Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
You Might Also Like
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
titanic
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?