My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
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Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die