@samdunsiger
@tdug
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
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@tdug
@WarrenHolstein
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
@flashember
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
@Mom_Overboard
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
@inanimatecorpse
The bit in Snow White when Grumpy’s like “put her in a glass coffin so we can see her decompose”
And Doc’s like
“Man! You’re getting worse!”
@CaucasianJames
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
@OzKamal
I’ve started seeing a therapist, but my mom says that’s part of my hallucinations
@Rollinintheseat
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
@rockymomax
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
@ummcherish
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die