Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ArrowsOfTheSun

I just saw an 8 year old hipster.

Your move, apocalypse.

@primawesome

Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?

@capnwatsisname

Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.

@KentTheG

When co-workers ask if the photos on my desk are my kids, I like to say, “No, they’re Dan’s from accounting. But they’re so cute!”

@KeetPotato

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

@FloodyHippie

I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.

@batkaren

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

@alikaayy

taking care of yourself is punk rock

@bananagrvyrd

If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them

@GrantTanaka

this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what