“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Cop: Do you know how fast-
Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”
Cop: …Sir is that your son
Me: I don’t have a son
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
The photographer’s assistant
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
My friend got fired from her job just for eating chips. I hope she can find another job in the casino industry.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
i now pronounce you bounced.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.