“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
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“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?