@TheBoydP

Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.

~Me flirting

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@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@mrjohndarby

[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childish

her: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday

@Brianhopecomedy

My 2 year old wanted to race me home from daycare and I am TOTALLY winning. I don’t even see her tricycle in my rear-view mirror.

@AlmightyBored

Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.

@BritXNic

“Alcohol doesn’t affect me”

*Wakes up with cornrows, a light saber and two taxidermy lizards*

@GaryJanetti

I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.

@WilliamAder

Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.

@huntigula

[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.

@turtledumplin

Sent my adult sons to the grocery store for toilet paper…they came back with potato chips, cookies, cheese dip, hot sauce, roasted chicken

And no toilet paper.