Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
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Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Alternate universe where all appearances of the word “lil” in rappers names have to be replaced with the word “teensy weensy”
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.