CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
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A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Sing it!
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.