Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@just1fool

Nothing much worse than being forced to listen to someone else’s music and not be able to tell them their taste is shit.

@themiltron

[first day as a server]
me: how would u like your steak
person: well done
me: thank you that’s so kind it’s my first day & i’m very nervous

@Steph_A_Nanny

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

@DurtMcHurtt

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

@prufrockluvsong

[boxing gym]

*points at everything*

I’d hit that.

@Ristolable

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

@mrjohndarby

check in attendant: are you flying alone?

me: I’ll probably need a pilot

@minkpinkustink

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

@TheAlexNevil

*goat walks into a bar

*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats it

goat: Hit me again.