Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

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[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.


Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.


#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women


My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.


Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t


If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody


Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*


[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?


Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.