@mommy_cusses

Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.

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@northcoastkevin

[gets pulled over by the cops]

Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane.

Me: check the trunk.

@longwall26

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

@meganamram

#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

@fro_vo

Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t

@thefishpants

If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody

@VerbsRProudest

Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes

Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?

Me: *laughing*

@English_Channel

[interviewing to be a lifeguard]

me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶

interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?

@aveuaskew

Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.