me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side