– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.
Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.
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him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???
Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?
My cat would be dead before I got 50
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…
Husband: Do you mean with other people?
Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
Roses are red
Violets are blue