@Brianhopecomedy

Let my 4 year old score his first goal on me in hockey & he said, “NA NA, you couldn’t stop me!” so he also received his first cross-check.

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@SamuelHLowe

– I’m your son’s teacher and I’m calling to tell you that he may be a compulsive liar.
– And a damn good one. I don’t have any sons.

@msdanifernandez

[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]

@Buffalojilll

[First day as a detective]

Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever

Murder suspect:

Me: never have I ever shot a guy

Suspect:

Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*

Suspect: dude stop

Me: *mouthing* ???? ? ???

@FirecrackerKatt

Can we please have a serious conversation about why, as a human race, we always run out of shampoo before conditioner?

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@qwertying

Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to…

Husband: Do you mean with other people?

@too_chihuahua

Dad I’m gay
*Dad rips newspaper*
“WHAT”
I like guys dad
“Oh thank god. I thought you were happy for a second”

@JLazySAngus

Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”

Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”