@ilovepie84

“LET MY PEEPHOLE GO!”

-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

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@DaveWeasel

If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.

@ItsAndyRyan

Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour

@TwinSurvivalist

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

@Bob_Janke

Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.

@Easy_Tiger__

Gf: do I look fat in these pants?

Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for

Me: I’ve seen worse

Brain: WTF MAN

@walks_on_legs

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

@FredTaming

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

@TheBeerGuy73

[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*

@murrman5

*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute