-Moses when the cops found the peephole he installed in the Womens washroom.

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If you don’t like the way you look naked, remember; by the time you have your clothes off, its the other person’s problem.


Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour


Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.


Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.


Gf: do I look fat in these pants?

Brain: oh god it’s a trap, this is what we’ve been training for

Me: I’ve seen worse

Brain: WTF MAN


What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?


one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it


[Voice from police helicopter]
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*


*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute