A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
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my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”