“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
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Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
God: you hate the moon.
Wolf: why?
God: he stole your girlfriend.
Wolf: I have a girlfriend?
God: not anymore.
Wolf: because the moon-
God: -stole her yes.
Wolf: I hate the moon.
God: I know.
Wolf: I just miss her so much.
God: let it out.
Wolf: [takes a deep breath]
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.