@pleatedjeans

Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

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@D2_Barney_McG

I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@BrainPornNinja

If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness

@TheHyyyype

Signs that your wife is cheating on you:

1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude

Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?

@awkwardwit

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

@SadPeruna

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

@copymama

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

@AsgardianRose

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.