Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.