I thought twerking was tweeting at work
That’s how out of the loop I am
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
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One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
If you line up all your ex lovers in a row you can see the flow chart of your mental illness
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.