Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed

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*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”


Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.


It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.


I’ve learned from my mistakes. I make bigger and better mistakes than ever now.


*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”

*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”


[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then


Ladies, do you think you’re hip and cool? Do you think you’re stylish? If so, having a teenage daughter may help clear these delusions from your head.


“I’m half black and I’m trying to decide who I want to have kids with. Do I want them to have every advantage in life, or be able to dance?”


daughter: there’s a monster under my bed

me: why do you think that?

daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it

me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?

son: *sighs* yes

me: did you see a monster under there