5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
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(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Never ghost your hitman.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”