@slimmy_shady

“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.

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@DaHess1

Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.

@BrdnHatesYou

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

@say_shannon

Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever

Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King

@TheAlexP

Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?

@Furry_Beaver

I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

@HomeProbably

A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.

Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.

@InternetHippo

[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”

@Ivsy01

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.