Shout out to bicyclists that yell “on your left” as they pass me so I know which arm to clothesline them with.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth
Saying you’re single
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for ever
Saying ‘I stand alone‘
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I just saw a guy take a bite out of a kitkat without breaking it apart first. Listen sir, society has rules. Adhere to them please.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
[i get a phone call]
“Hi we’d like to talk to you about your tweets”
ME: Wow thank you but I don’t do interviews
“This is the police”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.