“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
had to share :’)
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Omg 🤣
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.