“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
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God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
We all have our pet causes.
me: just tell me what to do
universe: *gives me a clear sign*
me: well that could be for anybody
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”