let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
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:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.