“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
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This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….